From Airplanes to Babies

“Did I miss my husband? YES! But I knew he’d be ok, that WE’D be ok! We were grown adults who had spent the majority of the past 30 years sleeping alone, and she never had.”

Welcome to the first blog post for Because of Bebé! I went back and forth on what I should discuss for this first post, and I decided to go back to the beginning. I often get asked what brought me to leaving my career in the aerospace industry, to teaching about holistic sleep solutions and breastfeeding education. The truth is, this wasn’t a big surprise to me, or those who know me. Since I was 12 years old, I always gravitated towards working with teachers, students, children and parents. When my friends were at the movies on a Friday night, I was across the street babysitting the neighbor boys. As I got older, I opted out of taking a senior trip to Europe with my class, to stay behind and volunteer in my 6th grade teacher’s classroom.

If I could go back in time and hit redo on my college major, I would have declared early childhood education. However, the difficulty that comes with being half Persian, is that you really only have three majors to choose from: doctor, lawyer or engineer - my sisters and I are all three!

ENTER: CIVIL ENGINEERING at Washington State University (Go Cougs!)

Graduation came and went, with a nice partying gift of the 2009 recession. Receiving job offers was scarce, which often resulted in cancelled job postings. After a year working at a local hospital, I finally landed a job at one of the largest aerospace companies in the world. The projects I lead, the tests I conducted, the people I met, the pride, the determination - it was definitely a pinch me moment. I can absolutely say that what I was apart of was a once in a lifetime opportunity. An experience that only a select few in the world can say they ‘DID THAT!’

Do I regret it? No way! The best thing to come from that phase of my life, was meeting my soulmate in a conference room two years into my career. The second I saw him, I knew in every fiber of my being that he’d be my husband. I even pictured the ring on my finger as I drove to work every day. I know it sounds crazy, but it was serendipitous. I know I was meant to choose engineering, so we could meet.

Three years after meeting, we were married a few miles from our home at a beautiful winery. The highlight of the entire day being the epic 3-hour dance competition party that ensued between the Persians and the Panamanians!

After a few years of traveling, settling into our new home and advancing our careers, we decided it was time to start our family. One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was the way he loved the people in his life. It’s rare that he lets you in, but if he does, you’re in it forever. I knew he would be the best Papa in the world! And my dream since becoming a big sister, was to become a mom.

It took us approximately one year to conceive our oldest daughter, and in November of 2017 she was born. Her birth story is worthy of its own post, but let’s just say, she came fast and might have been born in the car if it weren’t for the open roads at 2 AM!

Perhaps it was the quick unmedicated birth, but I did not have that instant love and connection I thought I’d have with her. I thought I’d cry tears of joy, want to memorize her from head to toe and fall deeply in love with this new being, but instead, I was in shock. I felt completely out of my body for days. Not only was I dealing with undiagnosed postpartum hemorrhaging, but I was also in pain from tearing, breastfeeding was going terribly and she would not sleep anywhere but in my arms.

When I say we tried EVERYTHING…we tried everything to get her to sleep in the bassinet! Warmed it up with a fresh towel from the dryer, sound machine, breastmilk on the sheets, dark room, vacuum running, bouncing on the ball and transferring bum down…nothing worked. Out of pure desperation and fear of bringing her into our bed, my husband and I took turns sleeping in the rocking chair with her, while the other parent laid on the floor and watched… can you even IMAGINE?!

But first thing was first, we needed to solve our breastfeeding issues now!

After several lactation appointments, we learned that her weight from birth dropped 8%. We were told I needed to ‘figure it out’ or just give her formula. Cue the mama rage! I couldn’t believe how unprepared and lost I felt. Despite taking every breastfeeding class offered, reading all the recommended books, latch was good upon discharge, yet I still had no clue what I was doing. Everyone made me feel like breastfeeding ‘would just happen,’ and it never did. The anger from being so unsupported lead me to binging breastfeeding videos on YouTube in the middle of the night, needing to ignore others ‘helpful tips’ and asking my husband for constant support and encouragement! It wasn’t that I was against formula. Of course, if I couldn’t figure it out, I would have never let my baby starve, but I was determined to learn how to breastfeed! It’s in my nature to achieve my goals, but I also promised her in utero; I promised myself. Not only was breastmilk free, but it was the better option for the both of us. Spoiler Alert: we ended up breastfeeding for 2 years and 2 weeks!

Now, our sleep challenges were not as easy to overcome as our rocky breastfeeding start. Mainly because my husband and I were not exactly on the same page. We did agree that the rocking chair was not safe, but he wanted her to sleep in the beds we had just received as gifts, and all I knew was that our baby just wanted me.

I vividly remember telling my parents about how she wouldn’t sleep alone, and they both responded with “well, just bring her in bed with you, that’s what we did.” Maybe they were right? I mean they usually were.

Now remember, this was 2017. No one was discussing Safe Sleep 7, cosleeping was a ‘death sentence’ for your baby and sleep training was a godsend. If families didn’t sleep train, they were cosleeping in hiding, or their child just slept - unlike my baby.

With no other options being suggested by the pediatrician, I decided to listen to my gut (and my parents) - just like with everything else. I was an engineer and now a mom, clearly I could figure this out! One day, I took our mattress off the frame, placed it in the middle of the room, put the fluffy bedding in the corner of our room and sent my husband to the guest room. I had zero guidance, no clue what I was doing, but it felt safer and guess what? We all slept! Could I have been more safe? Yes! Did I miss my husband? YES! But I knew he’d be ok, that WE’D be ok! We were grown adults who had spent the majority of the past 30 years sleeping alone, and she never had.

As she got older, everyone who’s anyone would ask about sleep. I dreaded the conversation and tried to avoid it at all cost. Why? Because only my family knew we were cosleeping! It was also embarrassing to admit that our $800 Restoration Hardware crib had only ever been a laundry basket - to date, worst investment ever!

At every doctor appointment, we agreed to continue to ask the pediatrician for options in lieu of sleep training, but there never was. I was desperate for sleep, with a 3 hour round trip commute to and from the office, I needed sleep. We absolutely considered it, but we never tried, because we knew it wouldn’t work. We knew we’d traumatize her, and also, it felt like sh** as her parents! This was our baby and she couldn’t even feed herself, there was no way we would leave her in her crib to cry it out and eventually ‘self soothe.’ With her, there would have been no soothing, it would have been a hard nervous system shut down. She would have been the kid that puked from crying so hard. It was a hard no!

Despite the fact that cosleeping did save us, our baby still had 40 minute naps, late bedtimes, several middle of the night parties for 2-3 hours, with nursing around the clock. To add fuel to the fire, I also suffered from the first time mom complex of being obsessed with schedules, nap times and wake windows! We rarely left the house, we wasted thousands of hours in a dark room forcing bedtime and we dreaded the sun setting.

After her first birthday, I finally decided to surrender! She just wasn’t going to follow the Pinterest worthy toddler nap schedules online. She was different, our family was different, and it was time we took that into account.

We knew the second our daughter was born, that she was special. She was extremely alert, sensitive to light and sounds, never followed an eating or sleep schedule and loved movement. At 1 hour old, she heard my voice and just stared into my eyes. At 2 days old, she would look at the dog when she’d bark and she’d look at us after we’d say her name. What we didn’t know, was how her sensitive nature would influence everything about her: sleep, feeding, family outings, potty training, activities, school, etc.

Once we recognized and accepted highly sensitive as her temperament, we truly started to enjoy parenthood. We celebrated the progress she was making towards independent sleep; albeit slow for us, but the perfect speed for her. I also felt less tired at work and more energized, not because I slept better, but because I stopped trying to force and control every little thing about my child. No more late night google searches and troubleshooting the perfect schedule for the next day. She needed time, patience and encouraging parents to help make her feel confident and secure. Time and patience would be the key to her growth and success, and it still is.

Years later, we became pregnant with our rainbow baby, another girl! We were so excited to welcome this new baby, and to see how she would make us grow as her parents. Truth is, she could not have been more different than her older sister! The Yin to her Yang, as we like to say. She was calm, smiley, a great sleeper, breastfed like a champ, independent and strong willed. She was one of those babies, you probably could have sleep trained. The type of baby you set in their crib, walked out, and they’d suck their thumb and fall asleep. A true unicorn, the kind you only hear about, and I was now a parent to one of them!

Yet, we still decided to cosleep! Mainly because we made a killing on our $800 crib during the pandemic, and I wasn’t willing to give up my office (kidding - sort of). While, that is partly true, I really loved cosleeping, and so did my husband. There is nothing sweeter than waking up to chubby little hands grabbing your face in the morning saying “Hi, Mama!”?!

We truly had the most beautiful and serene postpartum experience this time around, the complete opposite of our first. Breastfeeding was like riding a bike, we were confident cosleeping, recovery was a cinch, baby was sleeping - life was heaven! And everyone should experience that.

Of course, not every single postpartum experience will be rainbows and roses, but damn it we can do A LOT better of at least equipping mothers and families on how to handle the most common challenges we face.

One night, while I was up feeding, I was texting both of my sisters, who also had newborns, a few of my friends and a few of their friends. All first time moms, but myself. I quickly noticed that everyone had issues with sleep, breastfeeding, tummy pain, bottles, pumping, going back to work. It wasn’t just me that was unprepared - we all were! For the longest time, I thought it was just me and my baby, and I could not have been more wrong.

At work, I recognized the same thing, and next thing I know, I’m hosting lunch and learns for new moms at work, helping them navigate motherhood. It was remarkable and beautiful, yet heart wrenching and incredibly disappointing. In that moment, I realized I needed to help more moms. I wanted to help, and that this was my new purpose. It fulfilled every hole in my life that I didn’t even know was void. And if I could help so many women with just simply sharing my story, my experiences and what solutions worked for us, imagine what I could do with more education and experience.

After that, it was off to the races, hoping that the little change I was making would help my own daughters if they chose to one day be mothers.